Friday, June 7, 2013

Uncharted territory

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 Did you see what I did with those last two posts? Put out in the world that we've had a rough week, then gloss over with a cute picture and a few words about motherhood and reminiscing and time? I realized it last night.

After my post on Wednesday the love I received was beautiful. Friends checking in to see what is happening, or if there's anything they can do to help. The support was, and is, such a blessing. So with all that, last night I was left wondering why I felt uneasy about saying that something is wrong.

And what it comes down to, I think, is that in this day and age of being able to so easily share what is going on in our lives, sharing can sometimes hurt those we are closest to. Because if someone close to us is hurting, and we don't know about it, then find out via the internet... feelings can get hurt.

But here's the thing: I also believe that the ease of sharing can be a beautiful thing, where we can be alerted to someone going through a difficult time and then dig deeper offline. Like those emails and texts I've gotten in the past few days. Digging deeper. Bringing connection.

If I were someone who was on the phone all the time with all of my friends, I think my sharing here and people finding out tidbits that I haven't spoken out loud would be a bigger issue. If I was not filling people in when I had conversations with them. But in my case, I talk to literally two or three people on the phone regularly (one being my mother) and I'm not about to send out a mass email updating all the people I know about what is going on in my life. So in comes this space, this space where I want to be able to put my energy into talking about whatever I need to talk about.

And for whatever reason, I want to write this blog publicly.

I truly believe in sharing our stories and writing out our truths and being open with them so that we, and anyone reading or listening, can not feel so alone. I do my sharing via writing because I've always written better than I speak.

True story.

So in writing this blog, I fulfill a need to be heard. A need to be seen and also to see others. I want to live openly and honestly and this blog affords that reality to an introvert who gets tongue tied easily.

My point is that I hope to never hurt anyone with my writing. This place is deeply personal for me, and I want to share it with you. Because our personal inner workings are beautiful. Mine are. (that's something I'm still learning to trust) So bare with me. There are so many lines to walk, and navigating them is proving to be a tiresome act. I'm trying to erase the lines that have been drawn in different times, and paint my own new ones. Lines that grow thick and thin with the pressure of a brush stroke, and meander into conversations and open spaces... erasing those spaces with the big caution signs and tape that we previously couldn't go into. Why can't we?

Perhaps here is where I should write proceed with caution... and love and kindness. These are uncharted territories, and I'm planning on exploring.

2 comments:

  1. Heart and thoughts and prayers with you. Listening ears. As you are ready to explore, I'm with you. On your timetable. Hugs.

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  2. I am so thankful that you have a need to be heard and that I met you. It is different for those of us who express themselves more easily through writing than speaking. I often don't have spoken words for a situation, and might be seen as uncaring or disinterested. I like to process things, or let them pass until they rise again. Writing helps me to feel like I am a part of the world as an active participant rather than a helpless observer, subjected and influenced by the loud voices.
    It's that still small voice that matters. It's the still small writing voice that keeps me grounded and sane.
    I'm sorry you are going through something difficult. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

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